turtleneck Andy

(no subject)

i'm feeling really down and upset with myself right now. i dropped my phone yesterday and it shattered. its gonna cost at least $110 to fix which is making me really anxious. if my parents dont give me the money to fix it over spring break then i might have to wait until i get paid in 2 weeks to fix it. that would take up my whole paycheck and i might not even be able to get it fixed since i dont have any trasnportation when im on campus. the stupid fucking shuttles dont even run on the weekends except to the mall and the movies. im really looking forward tot his semester being over. im really sad and stressed and homesick. ive cried twice this week and im about to cry again. i hate almost all of my classes. the only class i  dont hate is my tsem but we are starting our papers now which is stressing me out and making me anxious because i cant think of a good topic that i actually are about. im so fat and unhealthy and its so hard to eat healthy and work out. it feels impossible. i can never find time to keep up with school work, go to my job, and hang out with the few friends i do have. the only time i really have to workout is if i get up really early in the mornings. i might have to start doing that though because i really need to lose this weight. ive lost baout 7 lbs last time i checked but i woudnt be surprised if i gained some of that back. i just feel so pathetic and a bit useless. my eating is so out of control. i havent binged much this week but the food i do eat has too many carbs. i think if i create time to go to the gym it might make me feel more energized and at least it will pick up my mood a bit. my phone is so badly cracked that i can hardly read the screen. i hate my schedule. i have such a big gap between music and asl which is nice because i have time to eat, but i dont finish class for the day until 4:45. i wish i only had 2 classes on thursdays, or that my 3 classes werent so long. i usually skip bio these days, but i actually went today because i thought my teacher would be handing back our tests. i failed again. i failed botht tests and the last two quizzes. my grade in the class is terrible. i think i might end up with a d which will tank my gpa. i'll probably repeat the class next semester. i hope i dont have to repeat the lab too.


i would like to try and dedicate more time and discipline into losing weight. even if this semester goes badly academically i'd at least like it go well in another way. i gained almost 35lbs since july. i would like to lose about 15lbs by the end of the semster. i'll need to cut my carbs a lot and work out 5 days a week and try to work out twice a day at least 2 days a week. hopefully i can schedule my classes for next semester so that im in class from rougly 9:30-3:00. I dont wanna be in class any earlier than 9 and i dont wanna be done with class any later than 3 on most days. it would be really nice to have my evenings free of class. I didnt realize how much i would miss that. I finish with class and work at 11:50 on wednesdays and fridays. on mondays im busy from 11-8. for that whiole time except for an hour that i use to eat, im either in class or working. on tuesdays, i have class form 11-1:45 and then from 3:30-4:45. thursdays suck too because im in class or working from 9-4:45. I can skip bio (which is fine becasue i dont pay attention anyway) on thursdays which would make that day a bit easier. I could get up and work out before i go to music class and then when im done with class i can work out again. i could use my shifts at work to study forn bio. that would be helpful. and then i could go to asl lab on wednesdays and/or fridays so i can do my sign language homework.
turtleneck Andy

(no subject)

I'm in religion class right now. I think I'm supposed to be looking t a studyb guide on Goodle Classroom, but I haven't written in like a month, so I'll make a quick entry before i go on ONTD. I'm a little worried about how busyb this weekend is. I'm going to the upperclassman dance tomnight at school, but i dont know what to wear. It's "casual" but i already know some girls will be in heels and dresses and stuff. I'm getting some sneakers from Payless today, so I might pop into Target and look for something. I really am not sure what to do with my hair either. This is so tough. At least I have a ride there and back since I got my license and I can borrow josh;s car. Speaking of cars, i went o go look at some yesterday. It was between a santa fe and a mercedes, but the bottom of it rusted out. I'm pretty sure i'm gonna end of getting mercedes ml 350 from 2001. It's only $4900, which means I only need to pay my mom back $900 by the end of the year. so thats great. it has a few issues though. I cant open the glove compartment, and the backseat headrests are missing. Also, only one window works. The window is required to work so the car can pass inspection thankfully. I got my paycheck today of $175, so at least I have money to spend on shoes.

I have tot take the practice SAT tomorrow morning around 9. After that, I have work. I have to work the closing shift, but it's better than having to miss the whole day. I also have work on Sunday and I need to go to work on sunday too. luckily i don't think I'm working the closing shift sunday thank god. I also have a lot of homework. I have to do 2 outlines for ap lang, a reflective essay that i'm very confused about, and I also need to catch on math since i havent understood the last 4 sections of this chapter. I need to make a quizlet for my upcooming genetics quiz. I also have to go look at the car with the whole family, since my dad hasnt seen it yet.
  • Current Mood
    content, a little worried
turtleneck Andy

Lonely

I feel alone and unhappy. I'm tired of living and i feel like i don't have a purpose. Posting this so i can join ONTD. Nothing i ever do goes according to plan. going to go for a jog now.